Lyrics of '3 Balloons' by Stephen Lynch

I call you from the car to say I'll be there in a while
A short plane ride and I will get to see your pretty smile
There's nothing on the radio- I fiddle with the dial
Then I see a sign- the airports just another mile

I check my bags and think about how much I hate to fly
And as I near security I almost start to cry

Well I hope that law enforcement agents can't tell from my face
I've got 3 balloons of coke in an uncomfortable place
I'm sweating and I'm nervous and I need a little air
Cause with 4 balloons of heroin it's getting crowded up in there
Crowded up in there

My mind is all a jumble and my blood is cold as ice
I dread the thought of having to unload this merchandise
Relax, I say, it's not so bad- it might feel kinda nice
Besides, who hasn't had a finger up there ince or twice?

I must remember don't leave any drugs inside the host
I did that once and a girl who tossed my salad overdosed

Well I say a little prayer- Hail Maria, Full of Grace
I've got 3 balloons of coke in an uncomfortable place
I'm sweating and I'm nervous and I need a little air
And I swear I'm farting lines of blow into my underwear
From my derriere

I was a little eager when I loaded up my stash
5 balloons of ecstasy, 6 balloons of hash
8 balloons of L.S.D, 9 of sensi mild
A box of chinese fireworks- a Guatemalan Child

I've made it to the gate now and my joy I can't contain
I board the aircraft; take my seat in the cockpit of the plane

As I taxi down the runway, I get a smile on my face
I've got 3 balloons of coke in an uncomfortable place
Flight crew prepare for takeoff as I lift us into air
And by the way, does anyone want to buy a Guatemalan child?
From my derriere