Lyrics of ' The Speed Test ' by Thoroughly Modern Millie (Musical)

[Mr. Graydon]
Take a letter, to a Mr. John Hudson, Hudson's Floor Wax
You will find an invoice in the file for the address
Dear Mr. Hudson, colon

My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation

When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fumes
Should have a warning

Since the only possibility
Is that your wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all
The money we advanced

And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So, I hope you solve this matter

How's my speed, Miss Dillmount?

[Millie]
A little slow, perhaps

[Mr. Graydon]
Ah!
Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt

I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours

Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better

I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

Now, read that back to me please

[Millie]
Certainly, dear Mr. Hudson, colon

My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation

When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning

Since the only possibility is that teyour wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced

[Mr. Graydon]
Nice!

[Millie]
And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter
We will take our business elsewhere
So, I hope you solve this matter

[Mr. Graydon]
Not half bad, continue please

[Millie]
Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt

I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours

Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better

I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

[Mr. Graydon]
Miss Dillmount, may I speak frankly?

[Millie]
Yes?

[Mr. Graydon]
If I could be so lucky
As to have a good stenographer
To keep this place as up-to-date
As her short skirt and bobbed coiffure

I wouldn't have to worry 'bout
Our soured office planking
And could concentrate on generating
Profits ripe for banking

That is why I'm testing you
With this outrageous correspondence
Which I don't intend to actually mail
To the respondents

So if you can make sense of my unintelligble patter
Then the job is yours and Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter

[Millie]
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter?
Matter, matter, matter, matter
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter?
Matter, matter, matter, matter

[Mr. Graydon]
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter
Matter, matter, matter, matter
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter

[Office Women]
Hudson's Floor Wax doesn't matter
Matter, matter, matter, matter

[Mr. Graydon]
Now, I want that letter on my desk in two minutes flat
Man your machine! Go!

[Tap dance break]

Time! Dear Mr. Hudson

[Millie And Office Workers]
Colon

[Mr. Graydon]
My eyes are fully open to my awful situation
So I'm writing you a letter to demand an explanation

When the floor wax that we bought from you
Arrived here Monday morning
We discovered upon usage that the fume
Should have a warning

Since the only possibility is that the wax is rancid
I request a full refund of all the money we advanced
And unless you can convince me
You've improved the floor wax batter

We will take our business elsewhere
So I hope you solve this matter

[Millie And Office Woman]
So I hope you solve this matter
So I hope you solve this matter
So I hope you solve this matter
Matter, matter, matter, matter

[Mr. Graydon]
Going on

Enclosed you'll find a small container
Of the stuff I talk about
Just carefully remove the lid
And take a whiff if you've a doubt
I'm sure you wouldn't want me
To alert the daily papers
With the news of how our office
Was affected by your vapours

Which is why I choose to write to you
A confidential letter
Full of strong recommendation
That you make your floor wax better

I just hope it won't require us
To have our floor relaid and
If it does you may expect a bill
Sincerely, Trevor Graydon

You have made the team Miss Dillmount

[Office Workers]
You have made the team Miss Dillmount

[Millie]
Tell me where my desk is
When we eat lunch
How much I'll be paid, and
Nice to meet you, I know we'll be friends
Just call me Millie Graydon

[Mr. Graydon And Office Workers]
Millie Graydon?

[Millie]
I mean Dillmount

[Mr. Graydon And Office Workers]
Millie Dillmount?

[Millie]
Someday Graydon

[Mr. Graydon And Office Workers]
Graydon? Dillmount? Dillmount?
Graydon? Graydon? Dillmount?

[Millie]
Graydon

[All]
Ah!