Lyrics of 'A Secretary Is Not A Toy' by How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
A secretary is not a toy,
No, my boy, not a toy
To fondle and dandle and playfully handle
In search of some puerile joy.
No, a secretary is not,
Definitely not, a toy.

You're absolutely right, Mr. Bratt.
We wouldn't have it any other way, Mr. Bratt.
It's a company rule, Mr. Bratt.

A secretary is not a toy,
No, my boy, not a toy.
So do not go jumping for joy, boy.
A secretary is not . . .
A secretary is not . . .
A secretary is not a toy.

A secretary is not to be
Used for play therapy.
Be good to the girl you employ, boy.
Remember no matter what
Neurotic trouble you've got
A secretary is not a toy.

She's a highly specialized key component
Of operational unity,
A fine and sensitive mechanism
To serve the office community.
With a mother at home she supports;
And you'll find nothing like her at FAO Schwarz.

A secretary is not a pet
Nor an e-rector set.
It happened to Charlie McCoy, boy:
They fired him like a shot
The day the fellow forgot
A secretary is not a toy.

A secretary is not a toy.
And when you put her to use . . .
Observe when you put her to use . . .
That you don't find the name "Lionel"
On her caboose.

A secretary is not a thing
Wound by key, pulled by string.
Her pad is to write in
And not spend the night in.
If that's what you plan to enjoy.
No!!

The secretary ya got,
Is definitely not
Employed to do a gavotte,
Or you know what.

Before you jump for joy,
Remember this, my boy,
A secretary is not
A tinkertoy!