Lyrics of 'Titties 'N' Beer' by Frank Zappa

Terry Bozzio (drums)
Roy Estrada (vocals, bass)
Adrian Belew (guitar)
Ed Mann (percussion)
Patrick O'Hearn (bass)
Tommy Mars (keyboards)
Peter Wolf (keyboards)

It was the BLACKEST NIGHT!
There was no MOON in sight!
(You know the stars ain't shinin'
'Cause the sky's too tight)
I heard the SCARY WIND!
I seen some UGLY TREES!
There was a WEREWOLF honkin',
'Long the side of me!

I'm MEAN 'n I'm BAD, (y'know I ain't no SISSY)
Got a BIG-TITTY GIRLY by the name of 'CHRISSY'
Talkin' about her 'N MY BIKE 'N ME...
'N this ride up THE MOUNTAIN OF MYSTERY, (mystery)

(How 're you doin'?)

I noticed EVEN THE CRICKETS
Acted WEIRD up here
And so I figured I might
Just drink a little BEER
I said, "Gimme summa that what yer suckin' on..."
But there was NO REPLY
'Cause SHE WAS GONE!

"Where's those TITTIES I like so well,
'n' my GODDAM BEER!"
Is what I started to yell, then I heard this noise
Like a crunchin' twig, 'n up jumped THE DEVIL!
(He's about THIS BIG!)

He had a RED SUIT on
An' a WIDOW'S PEAK
An' then a POINTED TAIL
'N like a SULPHUR REEK,
Yes, it was HIM awright,
I swear I KNOWED IT WAS!
He had some HUMAN FLESH
Stuck underneath his CLAWS
You know, it looked to me
Like it was TITTY SKIN!
I said, "YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!"
('Cause I was MAD at him!)
He just got out his floss
'N started cleanin' his fang
So I shot him with my shooter,
Said: BANG! BANG! BANG!

Then the sucker just laughed 'n said: "Put it away!
You know, I ate her all up...now what you
gonna say?"
YOU ATE MY CHRISSY?
"Yeah! TITTIES 'N ALL!"
WELL WHAT ABOUT THE BEER THEN?
"Now, were the cans THIS tall?"
EVEN HER BOOTS?
"Would I LIE to you?"
SHIT, YOU MUSTA BEEN HUNGRY!
"Yeah, THIS is TRUE."
DON'T THEY PAY YOU GOOD FOR THE
STUFF THAT YOU DO?
"Well, you know, I can't complain when the checks come through..."
WELL I WANT MY CHRISSY,
Oh yeah?
'N I WANT MY BEER
Hah!
SO YOU JUST BARF IT BACK UP!
NOW, DEVIL, DO YOU HEAR?
Look:
"Blow it out your ass, motorcycle man!
I mean, I am THE DEVIL, do you UNDERSTAND?
Just WHAT WILL YOU GIVE ME for your
TITTIES AND BEER?
I suppose you noticed this little
CONTRACT here..."
YER GODDAM RIGHT, YOU SON-OF-A-WHORE!
Don't call me that!
THAT'S ABOUT THE ONLY REASON
I LEARNED WRITIN' FOR!
GIMME THAT PAPER! BET YER HORNS I'LL SIGN!
BECAUSE I NEED A BEER, 'N IT'S TITTY-
SQUEEZIN' TIME!
"Man, you can't fool ME! You ain't THAT bad!
Oh yeah?
Why YOU SHOULDA SEEN some of the SOULS THAT I'VE HAD!
There was MILHOUS NIXON 'N AGNEW TOO!
'N both of those suckers was WORSE 'N YOU!"
LET'S MAKE A DEAL IF YOU THINK
THAT'S TRUE
I MEAN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THE DEVIL SO...WHATCHA
GONNA DO?
HEH?

Now hold on just a second...
You wanna make a deal with me hah?
Yeah!
Well ah, I don't know man, you know...
I just don't know about this...
What?
See, cause I...
Listen, you're...are you losing your nerve?
No man, it ain't got nothin' to do with nerve...
You're supposed to be the devil!
It's got to do...
You're supposed to be bad!
It's got to do with style, fool!
I don't know if you've the right style to get into hell,
you know...
Well, actually, to tell you...tell you the honest to God
truth,
I'm very short on style as a matter of fact...
Yeah, I know...that's...that's what makes me wonder
But I have...I, I think I have something that
you may be interested in...
What is that?
You can have my soul
It's a mean little sucker
'Bout a thousand years old
But once you gets it
You can't give it back
You gotta keep it forever
An' that's a natural fact!
Ooh wee!
Do you read me devil?
Oh yeah!
What? Am I supposed to be scared, man?
Oh yeah, Reety, aw-righty!
Oh yeah, that's real tough!
I bet you're real bad!
Listen fool, you've got to prove to me that you're rough
enough to get into hell
That you've got the style enough to get into hell
So start talkin'...
Alright, lemme tell ya somethin'
Alright!
I'll prove to you that I'm bad enough to go to hell
Yeah!
Because I have been through it!
Yeah!
I have seen it!
Yeah!
It has happened to me!
Yeah!
Remember, I was signed with Warner Brothers
for eight fuckin' years!!!
Tell me about it!
Now you're talkin' about something!
Now how bad is that?
That sounds good to me, motherfucker!
So move right along
Tell me what your interests are, you know...
if we're gonna come to some kind of agreement,
I've got to know what you're all about, you know...
'Cause I don't know if you're the right type for the...
for the place, you know
Look...lemme tell you what my problem really is, you see
OK...
My problem is that I don't belong anywhere
Aha...
You see... I don't even belong where you are, you see
I hope not!
I, I'm a simple person, you know
I have very small desires in life
Titties 'n beer, you know
No! What?
Titties 'n beer!
No! No man, you're joking...
Titties 'n beer, titties 'n beer, titties 'n beer...
What? No! No please... No! Not that! Oh no man, no!
Titties 'n beer, titties 'n beer, titties 'n beer...
No! No! No! No! No! Not titties 'n beer!
Oh I can't stand titties 'n beer!...
Titties 'n beer, titties 'n beer, titties 'n beer...
(I'm in you! I'm in you!)
Oh no! No! No! Wait...
Ah! Look at this! What am I gonna do with this thing?
...Wait, wait, please no!
Hey! Look at this!

"No! Don't sign it! Give me time to think!
...hold on a second, boy, 'cause...that's
MAGIC INK!"

Then THE DEVIL barfed
'N out jumped my girl
They heard the TITTIES PLOP-PLOPPIN'
All around the world, she said:

"I GOT THREE BEERS 'N A FIST FULLA DOWNS,
AN' I'M GONNA GET RIPPED, SO FUCK
YOU CLOWNS!"

Then she gave us THE FINGER!
(It was rigid 'n stiff)
That's when THE DEVIL, she FARTED
An' SHE WENT RIGHT OVER THE CLIFF!
THE DEVIL WAS MAD!
(I took off to my pad)
I swear I DO DECLARE!
How did SHE get BACK THERE?
I swear I DO DECLARE!
How did SHE get BACK THERE?
I swear I DO DECLARE!
How did SHE get BACK THERE?
I swear I DO DECLARE!
How did SHE get BACK THERE?

Alright!