Lyrics of 'Moses VS Santa Claus' by Epic Rap Battles Of History

[Santa Claus]
Sweet robes, Obi Wan-too-many days in the sun
Stop preaching homie, teach your flock to covet some fun!
I bring joy every year, man I represent cheer
You represent sandals and a scraggly beard
I'm from the North Pole
That's why my rhymes are so cold!
I spit diamonds but I'm serving up some fresh coal
You've been a naughty boy
You brought a plague of frogs
You'd best arrest yourself
You broke your own law
Or was there something in Rule Six I didn't understand?
My list says kill the Egyptian Jew
Buried him in sand
I've read your book, you got a strict religion
No bacon?
But mandatory circumcision?
I'm a jolly bowl of jelly, giving holiday presents
But all the chosen people ever get for Christmas is jealous!

[Moses]
When I was high up on the mountain God revealed the truths of the Earth
But he never mentioned a fat-ass Papa Smurf
It takes 9 reindeers to haul your fat ass
You took the Christ out of Christmas and just added more mass
You need to stop breakin' into houses and creepin' and peepin'
On naughty kids while they sleepin' and keep yo' hands off my stockin'
Don't you ho-ho me!
I'll split yo ass in half
Like I did the Red Sea
You ain't a saint, you a slaver
Like a pharaoh in the snow
Stop with the unpaid labor and let my little people go!

[Elves]
We ain't slaves!
All that sand turned your brains to mush!
I think you need to stop smokin' all that burnin' bush
Yeah, we're magical workers, man!
We hang with reindeers.
Yo! Here's a GPS!
Who gets lost for forty years?
You're a glorified secretary, so write this down
Because deez nutz
Santa Claus is comin' to town

[Moses]
So much drama in the Israel BC
It's kinda hard talkin' directly to the G-O-single-D
Hand me my chisel, I got a new command'izzle, for y'all
Thou shalt not let your children sit on a grown man's lap at the mall
I'll beat you ten times before the bread can rise, you dummy
And walk off into the land of my milk and honeys