Lyrics of 'The Buffoon And The Valedictorian' by Adam Sandler

"And now the buffoon's date at the drive-in with the school's valedictorian."

[Valedictorian:] "I really appreciate you're asking me out.
Most people are intimidated by my high academic achievement."

[Buffoon:] "This movie sucks shit!"

[Valedictorian:] "Well, Ebel gave it thumbs up,
but Ciscel thought it was too preachy.
Anyway, I enjoyed the director's last film immensly."

[Buffoon:] "Cathleen Turner has big fuckin' tits!"

[Valedictorian:] "Yes, well, she recently had a child.
I think her maternal biology may play a role in that.
She looks fabulous for a woman her age, doesn't she?"

[Buffoon:] "I put a firecracker in a bullfrog's mouth and blew his fuckin' head off."

[Valedictorian:] "Well, in psychology we learned that it is not uncommon
for male adolescents to commit savage acts on animals as part of their maturing process."

[Buffoon:] "That girl in the fucking car in front of us, she gives everybody head."

[Valedictorian:] "Well, I guess she's strong for attention and she feels promiscuity is the only way to obtain it."

[Buffoon eating popcorn]
[Buffoon:] "This popcorn's fuckin' terrible. It tastes like someone jizzed all over it."
[Buffoon continues to eat popcorn]

[Valedictorian:] "Well the amount of semen on this popcorn is certainly disturbing.
Perhaps the staff in the refreshment stand was overcome
by the monotony of their work and decided to play a childish prank."

[Buffoon:] "I looked at my asshole in the mirror today. It blew my fuckin' mind!"

[Valedictorian:] "It's ironic that parts of one's body seems odd
and unusual because you don't see them on a day to day basis.

[Buffoon:] "My father's shit stinks up the bathroom all fuckin' day!"

[Valedictorian:] "It's puzzling why one person's fecal odor can be more overpowering than another's.
I wonder whether it is a function of the food digested or that person's internal metabolism."

[Buffoon:] "I'm gonna go get head from that fuckin' girl."
[Gets out of the car]

[Valedictorian:] "Well, I'm sorry to see the date come to such an abrubt conclusion."
[Buffoon walking away]
"I do appreciate the time you spent with me and look forward to a future rondevue."

[Buffoon:] "I like to piss in that guy's fuckin' gas tank!"

[Valedictorian:] "Bye bye! Have fun."
[Buffoon continues to walk away]